290. You’re A PC, You’re A Mac

And I like one of you a lot more than the other.

Every day, I find new reasons to hate using a mac. It started, on the first day of work exactly 2 weeks ago, with the mouse.

I don’t know which engineering genius decided that the a little… nub-thing… was better than the standard scroll wheel. I must admit, the squeeze buttons on either sides of the Apple mouse was a touch of genius; unfortunately, they are also just about the only thing I like about it. The little nub that passes as the scroll wheel is nigh impossible to work, and it upsets me that it’s easier to scroll up than to scroll down.

What irks me to no end, still on the topic of the Apple mouse, is the right-click. I use it on a link, sometimes it opens a standard drop-down menu; sometimes it opens the link in a new tab; sometimes it opens the link in the same tab; and sometimes it reanimates the dead. There’s just no telling what it will do next.

(for that reason, I will take to calling it “George Martin” from now on)

I also don’t get why, when I click the little red button on the top-left corner of a window, it doesn’t shut the program down. It closes the window, yes, but I’ve found that the program is still running – on standby, but still – in the background. And I have to command-quit for the thing to actually shut down. It doesn’t irk me as it does strike me as strange; I’m just used to accepting that, as far as computer applications are concerned, if I can’t see it, it’s not there.

The Mac users around me insists that it’s a more intuitive sort of OS. To which I say: intuitive, my ass.

(or maybe I’m just not the kind of user they were preparing the OS to be intuitive towards. Either way, screw y’all)

Allow me to tell you a true story:

I was pretty excited when Half-Life 2 came out. With the release of Half-Life 3 set for a couple of days after the second coming, most of us will just have to content ourselves with it. Now, one of the things that the game boasted – and reviews raved – about was the “intelligent AI” that was built into Alyx’s character. Myself, I thought it was a pretty cool idea, and went on to try the game out.

Soon after meeting her, as she was giving some expository lines, we were supposed to step into a lift that was supposed to take us to “Dog”. Being me, I was getting Gordon Freeman to jump all over the place, and I guess I must have missed some sort of cue; because when I eventually got around to stepping into the lift, Alyx just continued to stand outside, looking at me, and reminding me every once in a while to get into the lift.

I went out of the lift. Went in. Went out. Went in. Attempted to push Alyx into the lift. No avail.

I couldn’t move another step further into the game because nothing would happen until Alyx’s “intelligent AI” told her to get into the lift.

(I would have threatened her with physical violence as well, but Gordon Freeman didn’t even have his trusty crowbar at that point of the game)

See, if you want to create a program that’s intelligent, or intuitive – make sure you get it to work for all kinds of people, not just people who work in a certain way. It’s why I loved Elizabeth in BioShock Infinite: she got out of my way when I needed to get things done, and magically teleported to wherever I was so that we can get on with the script. That right there – that’s brilliance.

Somewhere, someone is saying, “Well if you don’t like it, don’t use it then. No one’s forcing you. You don’t have to be such a whiny asshole about it.”

Oh, but I am. I am being forced to use it.

It’s apparently the only acceptable OS for use in the office. I offered to bring along my trusty laptop (which is lagging beyond reason) to work, but the boss said to use the Mac, since it’s just sitting there anyway. And also because all the computers in the workplace are linked, and it’s easier done when they’re all Macs.

iPhone. iMac. Next thing I know, I’ll be carrying around an iPod as well.

God save my soul.

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