263. You Did Nazi This Coming

My hobby: watching respectable writers try to out-pun each other.

2 years ago, I attended a workshop in the Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Center for actors and writers. It was held in anticipation of the Short + Sweet Theater Festival at the end of the year, and it was there I got connected to some of the most talented people I know.

These people come from all walks of life: one’s a schoolteacher, another used to be a journalist for the nation’s leading newspaper, another one works at the local stock exchange and ensures that the market doesn’t crash.

It’s all quite exciting.

One of the fun things about knowing other writers is that when they’re good, they’re really good. And when they’re bad, it’s still sort of good.

(like sex and pizza)

Earlier this year, I got myself into a Facebook group called The Writer’s Tower, where writers gather to tell stories based on a monthly theme, and other people just show up to read, comment, contribute, or float around as phantoms. There are about 80 phantoms and counting.

April’s theme, as it turned out, was “Ostrich Pee”.

And like most parts of the internet, gold can be found in the comments section. Sometimes even more so than the actual post itself. Here is what went down in the comments earlier tonight:

(after some comments and praise for the writing)

EELEEN
I thought it was Goering in a certain direction, Reich where I thought it would, and then I did Nazi the Ostrich Pee denoument coming.

TERENCE
I was on the edge of Mein Kampf-y couch when reading.

COLIN
Glad to see I hadn’t Mengle-d it.

EELEEN
And then the last line hits you like Adolf ball-sized Heil stone…!

MARC
I agree with Terence I think you could expand this story and take it Fuhrer

TERENCE
Gestapo-sition of everyone is they like it!

MARC
Tones has really gotten into a swastika situation

TERENCE
Need some serious writing concentration lest it turn too camp

COLIN
And Reich-ly so!

MARC
Between Tones and the president it sounds like a battle of brains eva braun

EELEEN
So those who get killed as a result of Operation Ostrich Pee will be buried as part of a Neo-Nazi plot?

MARC
That will probably need to be SS’d

TERENCE
Aryan you going to expand more on this, Colin?

EELEEN
Or is this the Final Solution? (sorry, I went there…)

TERENCE
Ooooh I gas you went too far…

MARC
That’s the price to pay – these puns all come at a holocaust

TERENCE
Maybe we should tone down, Auschwitz to a safer topic?

COLIN
Nah, Anne Frank-ly speaking, I think this oun chain still has some jews left

EELEEN
Stop! You guys are rally killing me! XD XD! I haven’t had a chance to take a propaganda at the story…

TERENCE
Yeah, these jokes are Hitlerious

MARC
Maybe the characters can share a plate of Nazi Goering

COLIN
Yeah, they could Goebbels it down

TERENCE
Perhaps and then a nice plate of Luftwaffles?

EELEEN
And the President will bring the party favors

TERENCE
Wash it down with a nice glass of Jews, at high concentration (Oooooh I went there)

EELEEN
There should be a master race for the fastest pun in this thread – timed with a swatchtika

COLIN
Ready, ghetto set, GO!

MARC
I did soooo nazi that one coming

EELEEN
Dietrich is to count to 3, first!

MARC
You sure we shouldn’t count until nein?

EELEEN
You’re Nazi-rious?

MARC
Don’t jewish there were some better words to play on?

TERENCE
Shouldnt we get back to the topic, on whod win this Master Race?

EELEEN
You’re Putin me in a corner here. Quit Stalin

COLIN
But we shouldn’t Russian either…

MARC
Give me time to Polish my shoes first

TERENCE
This Marx the place the puns take a strange turn

MARC
Soviet if we change the theme?

TERENCE
We may Lenin hot soup if we do that

EELEEN
Niet yet, komrade!

MARC
Stop achtung so strange

TERENCE
But I don’t know what other Engels we can explore with this

COLIN
The chain Moscow on!

EELEEN
I’ll be Bach, this is too much funny to Handel tonight hahahahha – well played to Terence, Marc and Colin!

MARC
These tsar terrible puns

EELEEN
I know! deserving of a firing squad!

MARC
I’m certainly not rasputin that fact

TERENCE
Yeah, the way we’re Hammer-ing all these puns in has made me Sick-le

COLIN
these puns are so-viet

EELEEN
It’s even funnier when you read out this threat in the right accent… (okay maybe that’s just me…)

MARC
I forgot to checkhov my spelling was correct

MARC
You mean the far-right accent

TERENCE
Ok, we’re really Pushkin the boundaries of taste now

MARC
I’m rachmaninov my brain for more wordplays

TERENCE
Maybe we should Gogol for puns and see what comes up

COLIN
Vodka great idea!

EELEEN
Ivar a few Terrible ideas…

MARC
Nah – if you use Gogol it will all come kremlin down

EELEEN
Now it’s the Socheesy Olympics

MARC
I think might have found the solzhenitsyn to the problem

TERENCE
I hope so, all these puns are taking a Tol-stoy on me

EELEEN
Da, now I want to jump in Swan Lake and swim with the Tsardines

COLIN
Vladmir join you, my brain Hertz =.=”

EELEEN
Vladmir! Ukraine at the right time!

MARC
It’s getting late. I’m so tired I might Andropov. In fact I think I’ll Popov

TERENCE
Yes, I’m tired too, and depressed. Crimea a river, everyone

COLIN
da, I want to drift off to sleep without a karenina world

MARC
If you can’t sleep try Anastasia

TERENCE
Just Kiev trying and soon ull fall asleep

MARC
Moscow to bed

EELEEN
Yes goodnight to all, don’t forget to Czech that all the lights are off

MARC
Ussr logged off

TERENCE
To use Manglish, some of us have to study for a Tes-la tomorrow.

TERENCE
Tartar for now everyone

COLIN
Igor now. Viktor-y to all!

ME
(dying of laughter)

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