222. The Computer Is A Cheating B—–d

I’ve been playing Borderlands 2. Over the past few months, I have been trying to kill that son of a serpent called Terramorphous the Invincible.

Damn thing just refuses to die.

When I completed normal mode at level 35, I was wondering, “How difficult can this guy be? Level 50? Hah, bet he’s just a big dumb boss. No problem at all!”

When I died within 5 seconds, I accepted that I was severely unprepared to fight the behemoth. So I did what any reasonable player would. I swore vengeance upon it, and went away to train, level up, and get better loot. Earlier this year, I returned to Terramorphous Peak with a level 52 character, a legendary gun, and a legendary shield to boot. Come on, Terry – not such a tough guy now, are you?

I died again within 10 seconds.

Frustrated, I tried again. And died again. And tried again. And died again. And after losing about 2 million in game currency, I came to the conclusion that the computer is a cheating bastard.

(oops. I said it)

You know it’s true. There’s no other way to explain the behavior of the AI. The computer doesn’t want you to win – it wants to show you that it’s better than you. It wants you to know who’s boss. It wants to tell you that your skills cannot match its.

I recall my first experience with the cheating computer. I was playing Megaman Legends – the first installment. The ultimate boss of the game was this utter douche whose attacks were, while predictable, devastating and almost unavoidable.

I died so many times. Frustrated, I backtracked to do some side quests so that I could get an invincibility buff, and used that to pound the sucker into oblivion.

(this happened twice. Because I didn’t know about his second wind, and died yet another time)

Another time. I was playing Drakan: Order of the Flame, and there’s this part at the end of the game where you get reunited with your personal dragon (it’s a long story). I found my dragon, hopped on it, and got this really sick upgrade for my dragon which was supposed to give it the ability to spit molten frickin’ lava at my enemies.

That didn’t happen. My dragon ended up with poison breath, which was a skill that came early in the game. Useful in that level, which had claustrophobic tunnels. Not so useful atop a volcano with skeletal dragons firing green lightning bolts at you (it’s a long story).

So I did what every self-respecting gamer would do: I used a cheat code to make myself invincible.

(I found out much later that I could cycle through my dragon’s breath attacks with the “[” and “]” keys)

Things were so easy in the days with invulnerability potions and cheat codes. As I rummage through the internet, hoping to find something that will help me murder that snake-faced abomination called Terramorphous the Invincible, I must confess that I have become desperate. I even tried looking for a weapons mod to make myself an insane gun just to gib the hell out of the beast.

Alas, my efforts are in vain. Though there’s a glimmer of hope: some speak of a glitch spot in which I can stand, where the damn thing cannot hit me. I cannot wait to exploit this, if it turns out to be exploitable.

The computer has no reservations in cheating me. I shall make no hesitation to cheat in return.


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