195. Goddamn Mosquitoes

The ancient Egyptians thought that they had it bad when the plague of locusts came upon them. They have no idea.

Over the past week, since the end of my Chinese New Year celebrations, I have been fending off a steady onslaught of mosquitoes everywhere I go, but most notably at home, while I’m at my laptop, or when I’m asleep in my room.

I hate it when they come to me in my sleep.

I’m willing to bet that “a mosquito’s buzzing next to one’s ear” comes within the top 10, if not the top 5 most annoying sounds in the world. It’s like God thought to Himself, “You know, I’ve created plenty of things. Why not let the archangels have a show at this?”

What followed, I imagine, was Gabriel creating pigeons, Michael creating mantis shrimps, and Lucifer creating mosquitoes.

(seriously though, the mantis shrimp is the most badass animal ever. What kind of magnificent creature is capable of mass slaughter on its level? And then we Chinese go on and cook and eat it. Says a lot about us as a culture, really)

On top of the sweltering heat, the perpetually humid conditions of tropical Malaysia, the plague of mosquitoes is the metaphorical cherry on top of this figurative ice-cream of misery. I’ve taken to dousing myself in cold water just before hopping into bed in hopes of lowering my body heat enough that the mosquitoes will leave me alone, and probably go for my brother or something.

A man can dream.

A kid you not when I say that I’ve been kept up by these tiny monstrosities. I woke up Thursday morning at 3A.M. sweating, itchy, and surrounded by the buzzes of these little demons. See, the thing about locusts is that you can see them. Mosquitoes, on the other hand, have mastered some form of ninjitsu that allows them to disappear into thin air, as well as evade your slapping palms at every attempt, making you look like an idiot as you hit yourself repeatedly.

(“Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself, human!”)

I have a wild theory. Remember how ancient Egypt had plagues visited upon them because they were being nasty to the Israelites? Well. Malaysia, in line with being an Islamic country, has apparently banned visit from and to Israel, ergo being nasty to neo-Israelites, ergo we are cursed for life.

(I’m pretty sure the Amazonians must have been pretty nasty to Israelites somewhere along the lines too. I mean, whatever they did, it was enough to deserve piranhas)

It’s like playing pokemon all over again and experiencing the terror that is zubats in dark caves: they’re hardly significant. You can kill them in one hit. But when they come, they come as legion, and there’s no way of fending them off – no attack strong enough to wipe them all out. No genocide for these ungodly creatures.

They’re not deadly. They’re just annoying as hell. Like the devil gave up trying to kill you and just decided to make your life so miserable that you’ll do the job for him.

If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be saving money to fund mosquito genocide. Join me in my noble cause, if you will.

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