87. Sleepyhead

In the time that I took to write this, I’ve fallen asleep and jolted awake about 4 times.

I’ve never been good with managing my sleep. I don’t understand how people make going to bed and waking up sound so easy. “Oh, just wake up when you feel that it’s time to wake up,” they’d say. But my body’s just like, “Nope, don’t hear the sounds of commercial space travel yet. Not time to wake up.”

I mean, Cthulhu has been asleep all this while. What’s so bad about keeping him company for a little bit in the realm of the Sandman?

The weird thing about sleep is that there’s this delicate balance that you must keep – what I’d like to call the Goldilocks sleeping hour. Beyond that, you’ve slept too much. Before that, you’ve slept too little. Sleep for the Goldilocks sleeping hour…

And it’ll be just right.

You can’t get it wrong. You’re not allowed to – because the moment you screw up the Goldilocks sleeping hour, your body will screw you up by sending sleepy signals all day long.

ME
Really, brain? I slept for 12 hours!

METAPHORIC BRAIN
Nuh-uh. You missed the Goldilocks sleeping hour man. You done messed up big time.

ME
Come on, brain. You’re like a teenage girl – it’s virtually impossible to keep you happy. I don’t sleep, you’re not happy. I sleep, you’re not happy. What do you want me to do?

METAPHORIC BRAIN
Sleep exactly 7 hours. No more, no less.

ME
Yeah? Well, I’ve tried that. And guess what? You were still so comfortably resting that my body fell right back into sleep 30 minutes after.

METAPHORIC BRAIN
Oh, you wanted to be alert when you wake up? I thought you just wanted to get enough sleep.

ME
What – oh, come on. Don’t tell me they’re different things.

METAPHORIC BRAIN
Mm-hmm. If you wane to wake up feeling alert, you’ve got to sleep for 4 hours. No more, no less. Getting enough sleep is another issue.

ME
What about waking up feeling alert AFTER getting enough sleep?

METAPHORIC BRAIN
Ergh, what more do you want? A red carpet? A butler? You’re so whiny. You’re just like a teenage girl.

You see my problem.

It doesn’t help that the rest of the world expects me to wake up as early as they do. You can wake up at 6 o’clock – I get that, and I respect you. But I wake up at 12 o’clock, and there’s just about nothing I can do about it short of shock therapy.

In my ideal world, no one would be expected to get out of bed before noon, and all work starts at 2P.M. I don’t mind working until 11P.M. – but let me have my mornings, dammit!

But that’s not the world that I live in. So every morning, I drag myself out of bed, cursing my luck as I do – have breakfast (if I’m lucky), and get to wherever I need to be, my mind all fuzzed up. It takes a couple of hours for this fuzz to clear – and usually, I’ll be alive and well again by 11A.M. Happy, I head for a great lunch and am ready to jump right back into action after that-

METAPHORIC BRAIN
Nuh-uh, bruh. You just ate some serious amounts of rice. I’ve got to shut down so that your stomach can focus on all that digesting.

ME
What – WHAT?? Come on! I slept for exactly 7 hours – that’s enough sleep! I got myself out of bed, and got my gears cranking! Don’t do this – don’t… do…… Zzzzzz……

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