70. Feeling Fat

I’ve been feeling a little fat lately.

(it’s probably due to the fact that the last time I got any exercise was back in April)

I won’t be considered fat by many (outside my immediate family, that is), and for most of my life, people have actually been commenting about how thin I look. It’s probably the limbs – both my arms and legs narrow down to little points, so much that they could almost pass off for a girl’s. Y’know, if you discount the extremely voluminous hair that covers them.

I guess I’m one of the lucky ones whose body doesn’t store up fat as though I’m preparing to hibernate for winter, and most of this excess fats store up around my belly and torso area, which can be easily hidden by loose-fitting clothes, which is what I wear regularly anyway. I don’t look fat, but as some of you may know or have experienced, that doesn’t stop me from feeling fat.

Back when I was in secondary school, I relied on my mom to fetch me to school and back. Being a school teacher who oversees a whole department, she has to stay back for meetings and plannings on a regular basis for at least 2 hours or so. So when I wait for her to get me home after school ends at 1.10P.M., it usually ends up with me waiting until 3.30P.M. (which is when the afternoon session students head down for recess) before she is able to come and pick me up.

But one day, I discovered a wonderful secret.

I discovered that I could just walk home.

My secondary school was a good 5 kilometers away from where I lived (according to my approximation, anyway). On a good day, you could drive there within 10 minutes, if you’re willing to scrape the speed limit. This meant that just by casually walking back, I would be home within the hour, saving me a full and a half hour of waiting in the school canteen.

So this kept me fit and skinny for most of my secondary school life.

When I went into university and learned how to drive, though – that was when everything changed. I could get to so many places so quickly – and why would I put myself through the misery of walking? Again, my body is one of those lucky ones that doesn’t store up fats too quickly – and so I had a good, comfortable 4 years to fall into the habit of driving everywhere… Until recently, I started to realize some things.

I realized that when wearing loose pants, my thighs touch in the middle.

I realized that I had to struggle to button the top button on my shirts when I put on a tie.

I realized that my now-significant belly was showing through my tops – even the loose-fitting ones.

I realized that I have a double chin when I looked down.

Some of my friends in university who has been with me these past 4 years had some kind things to say. “You look healthier,” they’d say, “You look stronger. Buffer.”

“Fatter,” my mom would say.

And so I’ve been self-consciously rubbing my tummy from time to time, and sucking it in when I know someone’s watching. I’ve started to hate how fat these thighs feel when they rub against each other. I’ve started to lift my chin so that the fats won’t pool up underneath it.

I’ve started to feel fat. And it’s not a nice feeling at all.


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